Tourniquet-Life-Down-Under

Misery

2008-08-02T00:02:00.003+10:00

Misery is a silent assassin, with the unique skill of crushing one using the slightest touch and yet, absolving itself of all blame as little more than a passing shadow. Some days, it drizzles, other days, it pours, and deceptively hoodwinks you into a comfort zone when it appears to shine. Forcing a reluctant smile in this blizzard appears the one consolation in an otherwise tumultuous ruction enveloping the scene.

Lost, confused and hesitant, but what about pre-conceived ideas that never fade even with the passing of time? Even with the passing of the seasons, the scars remain deeply entrenched and words that seem to evoke humour sometimes slice across with the sharpest blade...

If there is sunshine after the rain, it can never come any sooner...

Footloose

2008-07-20T12:43:00.003+10:00

And so after a long hiatus, I have returned to this familiar space, a little wiser, a little older and a little more apprehensive of the upcoming months. Sure, things were not looking up for long periods and as old faith faded, new hope arose to take its place. The last two weeks have been nothing besides joy, joy in a cold and unforgiving winter that threatens to break into a crushing freeze, engulfing one in an icy embrace.

A visit to the Twelve Apostles was accompanied by a long road trip spanning across three states and culminating in a domestic flight to the warmer regions. Yes, those days were filled with excitement and awe at the sights of geological wonders. Posing for a photograph in near zero conditions provided the perfect backdrop to an otherwise uneventful viewing.

An unplanned detour to Cleland Conservation park turned out to be equally rewarding as we immersed ourselves into nature and observed its creations up close. More on that in the next instalment as I end this post abruptly for an interruption...

Derailed

2008-04-20T10:43:00.002+10:00

After a week filled with surprises and shocks, I am happy to just sit at the computer and enjoy the peace and tranquillity. Nothing more, nothing less... Just me, the empty room and speakers playing The Killers to acquit my mind from the extraordinary events that have occurred of late...

Vexed may not even come a close second in describing my current state of mind...

Such is life

2008-02-26T22:23:00.003+11:00

A topsy-turvy period that has not stopped spinning in confusing circles, where expectations clash with disappointment...a bedlam.

The peremptory tone rained down on languorous minds, casting a blank look faraway into the distance.

Such is life...

Reading

2008-02-13T02:37:00.000+11:00

In a few more days, my sojourn here would have come to another conclusion. It was my own volition to engage in the numerous activities that kept me constantly on the move rather than taking a long break. I am glad that I have made new friends, widened my own horizons and taken on more responsibilities and duties.

No, its nothing to crow about but at least I have felt the warmth of family and friends. And no, its nothing more I can ask for at this moment.

Reading has taken on a life on its own these few days. While I am not a compulsive reader (of fiction, that is), I profess to spending quite a few hours in the day with a book in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Perhaps its penance for my lacklustre fictional reading, something which certain quarters consider unmentionable for a Literature student. But change I will endeavour and no longer shall I hem and haw when interrogated on my reading, that is until the next eleventh hour assignment whisks my fragile attention towards the daunting task.

One bad habit, however, continues to dog me. Lacking the patience to tie myself to one book, I have been multi-reading across a few titles. While they do all get finished (a big eventually here), I take a longer time than usual. Bad habits are harder to kick eh?

Till then...nonchalantly proceeds to flip page of book 2 while contemplating a lunge at book 3 with purposeful intent...

B and I

2008-02-06T04:57:00.000+11:00

It has been eons since B and I have gone out together. Work, schedule clashes, appointments and my perpetual absence have slowly eroded the close relationship we once shared. Living in different worlds did not help and instead, accelerated the rift and drift into emphasised polar extremities.

B possessed a tall and lean physique, while I, a diminutive and rotund presence. He wears his hair long, while I, sport the short cut. B prefers trends and fashion, while I, don the plain and dull. He wears his heart on the sleeve, while I, embed my thoughts in the deepest crevices. Such differences, such diversions...so dissimilar but, yet, so interdependent.

Amidst B's grouchy and moody ramblings, the day turned out fine. Jokes came few and far in between and conversations were peppered with aphorisms. His taciturn nature was challenged by my garrulous character. B gave in and started answering my endless flow of questions. He was mistaken that terse statements would fob me off; they merely whetted my voracious appetite.

He claimed he was shanghaied into coming out and my guilt got the better of me. I halted and he smiled, a fleeting moment of relief and unexplained joy. Silence was his salvation but it was my nightmare. I grimaced...

A strange combination some may call but in a world of so many differences, Mother Nature has her own quiet way of reminding us our common link... An open order at lunch left the choice of my meal to B's discretion. Just as he walked off, a voice in my head yelled out, 'Claypot Rice!'...too late...or so I thought. Almost telepathically, he returned with two steaming bowls of claypot rice...

A simple action bearing such deep and implicit meaning. Best claypot rice I ever had, even if the rice was burnt and the portion too small to fill up one's stomach. Mother Nature working her magic and building us a bridge over these troubled waters. Deja vu does not come close, not even a distant third.

And they say, blood is (still) thicker than water...

Sleepless

2008-01-12T04:12:00.000+11:00

As the clock struck midnight, the twelve long thuds celebrated another year in my life. Looking back, the last few years have been nothing short of an adventure. To call it exciting, however, would be too simple and to call it harrowing would be, well, wrong.

The winds blow gently and the curtains part gradually but yet, that moment of serenity can never be perfect in my mind for too many a false dawns have robbed my imagination, my ideas...

I see the missing pieces but there is mere emptiness when I reach out...the bite of transience stung badly..
Somewhere it must exist...The search continues, albeit, more purposefully than ever.

Greeting the New Year

2007-12-30T21:44:00.000+11:00

It seems that no matter how many good ideas strike you in the mind, they almost synchronise their disappearance when it comes to typing them into words. Oh well...

The last month has been full of downs and it has really hurt on numerous occasions. Even as the words flow from the fingers, there is hesitation and confusion.

On the up note, I dined with Bliss on one special day and it did cheer me up considerably. Wherever you are, thank you and I look forward to seeing you again.

And now, we sit and await the coming of the new year with bated breath and trembling anticipation.

Happy New Year!

Appetite

2007-11-19T00:27:00.000+11:00

Twiddling with my thumbs as I count down the hours of this lazy Sunday evening..weather has been nothing short of a boiler room and the passing evening shower was nothing short of a mirage realised in the crawling heat..

Picking a movie to watch seems so much harder these days as I have become less forgiving of silly flicks but yet, there are the occasional gems among the hodgepodge... So much so for an eclectic taste, uh huh ... On that note, I have just watched Ratatouille and at the risk of sounding clichéd, it was indeed refreshingly tasty, both to the tongue and imagination.

For those who diss the world of animation, I say give this film a go and you might be surprised. I was a cynic who came out wishing I did have a rat to teach me how to cook. Ah, I doubt any can resist the lights of Paris and delight of French cuisine..

'Bon appetit!' Words I wish to proclaim but not quite, not quite yet anyway...

On the subject of cooking, however, it remains another one of those life-long resolutions which remain pinned on the new year's list and recycled over and over again with more regret and remorse over one's inactivity..

I sit and listen to the rain....

Hazy

2007-11-10T13:59:00.000+11:00

One more step before the finale, one more long step... A surreal life that promises so much but yet fulfils so little, perhaps a gap too far to bridge?

The song, 'Santa Monica', plays softly in the background and breaks my reverie... I can still vividly recall those moments where I reach for her but she slips out of my touch... We agreed that this will be for the best... In my hazy memories, she departs with a longing look and flushed cheeks... I guess, this might just be best, for now...

Stormy skies, dark clouds and torrential downpour...With some hope, things might just brighten up, soon... Let me slip back into that reverie and relive that cherished moment... maybe?

Santa Monica, Savage Garden

In Santa Monica in the winter time
The lazy streets so undemanding
I walk into the crowd
In Santa Monica you get your
Coffee from
The coolest places on the
Promenade
Where people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable everywhere
You turn
Its there I sit and wonder what am i
Doing here

But on the telephone line i
Am anyone
I am anything I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman Mailer
And you wouldn't know the
Difference
Or would you

In Santa Monica all the people got
Modern names
Like Jake or Mandy
And modern bodies too
In Santa Monica on the boulevard
You'll have to dodge those
In line skaters
Or they'll knock you down
I never felt so lonely
Never felt so out of place
I never wanted something more
Than this

But on the telephone line i
Am anyone
I am anything I want to be
I could be a super model or
Norman mailer
And you wouldn't know the
Difference
On the telephone line I am
Any height
I am any age I want to be
I could be a caped crusader or
Space invader
And you wouldn't know
The difference
Or would you

California awaits the true believer...perhaps? Any subscriptions?

New Experiences

2007-10-27T10:45:00.000+10:00

It has been another fast and furious month, full of thrills and spills...I am not sure where to start but here goes..

1. Going to the coast and just indulging in absolute chill
2. Organising and participating in a charity event
3. Writing like there is no tomorrow
4. Waking up with the keyboard imprint on my forehead
5. Going to bed at 5 and waking at 6 (and no, its not 13 hours of rest in case you were wondering)
6. Polishing Brass (don't ask)
7. Dreaming of her
8. Hopelessly chasing TV serials
9. Playing Gaelic Football
10. Swallowing a fly (yuck!)

For the last one, in case you were wondering, the offending insect flew straight into my throat just as I was gasping for air following a work-out. Well...pretty exciting times yea?

New experiences...

Gosh, its been a month...

2007-09-26T12:23:00.000+10:00

Once again, I have unconsciously let time slip past my all too porous grip and left myself grimacing in disappointment for the wasted hours and minutes. Have been busy with work but I guess I only have myself to blame...so the next best thing is to share with you guys a longer blog entry when I have the time.

Tears And Rain, James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain is not one of James Blunt's more popular numbers but it strikes a chord somewhere..deep..Have to run, till then, au revoir...

Stumbling and Falling

2007-08-25T21:32:00.000+10:00

Lately, the weather has taken a turn for the better with warmer afternoons and longer days. For the first time in nearly 3 months, I perspired profusely while playing afternoon soccer. Maybe this is a sign of the receding Winter? Or a deceptive Hades dangling the return of Persephone before Demeter? I await with bated breath, fingers crossed, my warm jumper still ever ready for deployment.

Indeed, stumbling and falling in this world where truth and deceit fraternise freely can be rough... Yet, perhaps its part and parcel of a roughshod life that gives it meaning?

Quietly, I withold my querulous voice lest I sound garrulous and gaudy. Afterall, I have had a long day...

A Hero in need is a Hero indeed

2007-08-17T13:01:00.001+10:00

It is perhaps the lowest point yet this year; hitting absolute rock-bottom in a week with little cheer can be a devastating blow to even the self-assured.

It seems that I may be another step closer towards understanding the frustration and tiresome angst Atlas bore in his colossal task. Afterall, the world well and truly, does lie on his shoulders.

Contented to sit in this trough? Welcome to my world... and as I have said, a hero in need is a hero ineed.

Reading Sleeping Eating

2007-08-10T13:17:00.000+10:00

Am currently reading Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens, a novel set in the Victorian ages. It is a long novel and the days I have to complete it are dwindling...vanishing so quickly I barely have time to myself anymore. Soccer fixtures remain a constant source of woe and the bodily ailments just keep recurring... Argh...must break free...

Sore

2007-08-03T10:34:00.001+10:00

It has been a pretty interesting week. First, my trip to the vineyard has yearned me some much needed knowledge on wine. (Why much needed? Well, it appeals to my ambition of becoming an epicure / glutton =) ) Either way, while I do not profess to be a connoisseur of fine wines, I believe I now know enough to point out a few pointers. And now to practise it..hic...

The soccer fixtures of late has been getting frantic and is showing no signs of slowing down. To give an example, I will be playing full, 90 minutes of pulsating soccer on Saturday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday again. That is 4 games in 7 days and it gets worse when I factor in the futsal game on Monday. Upon summation, that brings it to 5 games in 9 days. Ouch? Oh and adding to all that is training for an upcoming cross country. Double ouch? The heart remains willing but the flesh, alas, can only give so much before it crumbles...

Time is slipping by so rapidly that it does not gives one time to stop and reflect. Yet, some times, not reflecting can be a form of escapism that indulges one in a make-believe, mock-perfect place. This precious indulgence...remains...blissfully eluded...of...one's...grasp...Is this for the better or for the worse?

Esoteric

2007-07-24T09:20:00.000+10:00

Reading about the woes of the region seems surreal when you are surrounded by lush greenery and the comfort of the heater blowing gently behind. I am still struggling to get off the blocks (I credit the wee bit of sprinting imagery here to my track days...thats right, track days, haha..) and get my act together. It could be an unexplainable longing for something that seems to evade me despite my best efforts. Oh well...

I think age has a surrepitious way of reminding me that I am no longer the sprightly teenager who can run effortlessly for miles (kilometres if you prefer more sedated ramblings, haha...). My legs hurt from two days of slight physical activity and for the first time, I understand the saying that one's legs feel like lead. Nevertheless, the battle against the bulge must continue...

Now that Sis has constantly bemoaned the lack of uplifting blog entries, I will endeavour to share a rather embarrassing and amusing incident.

Tourniquet: I am listening to this mandarin song at the moment and I really like it.
sandy: What is it?
Tourniquet: It is called Xiao Chou Yu = Small Ugly Fish
sandy: Weird, I have not heard of it...

*Tourniquet in sudden realisation and horror*

Tourniquet: Oops, its actually Clownfish...but nevermind...
sandy: !!!

*For those who remain blissfully lost, Xiao Chou Yu actually translates into Clownfish while yours truly took the literal meaning...Shucks.

Questions

2007-07-11T13:30:00.000+10:00

Have I gotten over it?
Can I get over it?
How do I get over it?
Should I get over it?
Would I ever get over it?

What is it? It...remains locked away within me, a fading semblance of hope that I once depended upon for sustainment during those lonely days and lonely nights. It was an idea, an ideal figment of my imagination, but it will probably come to naught. Exasperation seems a likelier companion in the vortex of recurring and painful realities .

Confused Thoughts

2007-07-08T02:44:00.000+10:00

Coming back revived many memories, some sweet and some forgettable... Changes were always expected but the rate of their occurrences have struck me, in more ways than simple awe. Pondering and staring blankly seems to be the only expression to stifle the thoughts racing through my head... Is it sadness? I do not know... yet, I suppose its inevitable. People move on, places swap locations, while the returning still live in their little cocoon of dreams, holding onto a world that no longer holds the truth..deracinated from the reality that is overwhelmingly different.

Song Beneath The Song by Maria Taylor

Cryptic words meander
Now there is a song beneath the song
One day you'll learn
You'll soon discern its true meaning
An interesting detachment
A listless poem of love sincere
Desire, despair
Overlapping melodies

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song

Oh now the roots are reminiscing
Recurring dreams of minor chords
Metred time
Muted chimes find the beat

And in the pulse there lies conviction
A steady push and pull routine
The cymbals swell
High notes flail into reach

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song

It's not a love, it's not a love,
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song...

Maybe it really never meant to be a love song...

Busy Days, Busy Nights

2007-06-05T07:24:00.000+10:00

Apologies for the lack of updates due to the pile of assignments. Will return to blogging regularly as soon as the pile starts decreasing. Meanwhile, watch this space... =)

The Contented Man

2007-05-13T11:05:00.000+10:00

It was a planned trip,a reunion that took twelve years in coming... and in case you were guessing, yes, I met my uncle whom I have not spoken to in over a decade last weekend.

Yet, the intial burst of excitement over the phone soon turned into doubts and fears on the train to meet him. Am I imposing on them? How should I handle awkward situations? Wild thoughts that raged in my mind as I began to wonder...

These butterflies in my stomach were soon quelled when I boarded the car. A warm handshake and a tacit approval with his smile was enough. We were off and he brought me to his favourite Japanese noodle shack for lunch. Over the course of a hearty meal, we chatted and updated one another of our lives. There was so much to catch up on, our conversation did not cease, not even for a minute.

Lunch was over and we arrived at the house. Yes, this wondeful mansion which I stayed in when I visited him over a decade ago. Memories, beautiful memories flooded back into my mind. I was still young at that time and it was my first visit to the country. I was greeted by my Aunt at the entrance and we had a short chat. She still remembered when I first visited, the young boy who spent the whole night up playing video games and sleeping on the journey to the Blue Mountains. The boy who whined endlessly when told that the journeys to scenic spots took two to three hours instead of his accustomed twenty minute trips.

After having tea in the house, my uncle and I spent the whole afternoon taking a stroll around his neighbourhood and the beach. He spoke at length about his decision to leave and live in another country. It was difficult initially but he was comforted by the frequent trips home. He found his true love and eventually settled down, permanently. Although he did profess missed opportunities, never once did he express disappointment on missing out. My uncle was, in short, a contented man.

Over a few drinks, my uncle spoke to me about his aspirations. Although he could not achieve them all, he remained glad he gave it a go. I was enthralled by his narration and could not help but appreciate how things have worked out... We finished the afternoon looking at the sea and taking the slow stroll home.

He took me and his family (including my two cousins) to dinner and I hung out with my cousins for a bit after dinner. This was a happy family and I was glad to have been invited to spend the day with them. Although my uncle did extend the invitation for me to stay the night, I had to depart, albeit unwillingly, due to prior commitments. I will be back, I promised...

I marvel at his contentment and disparage the naive concerns which sometimes besot and inundate people's lives. Seeking that contentment though, is another whole new story.

Lest I forget, today also happens to be Mother's Day. To Mum, whereever you may be at this moment, please take a minute off your busy daily routine and enjoy your special day. Take care for now...

And, it rained...

2007-04-30T07:15:00.000+10:00

After a dry spell where the weather was sometimes warm and other times cold, the much anticipated downpour came. But the rain sure mark its arrival in style. Rather than the standard half hour - one hour long shower, it rained for a day and a bit, taking respites and coming back in full force. All day long I stared blankly at the sky, and all day long, a mulling, moody nimbostratus stared back, responding to my goading with brilliant flashes of lightning bolts. The sweet smell of rain eventually washed gently over us in our slumber and enhanced the nectar of our dreams. It was a beautiful day...

Someone told me that the rain was to herald the arrival of winter and the days will only get colder from now on. Yes, the shivering and the puffing pale cheeks will soon return to haunt the tropical dwellers.

Greek mythology holds that Winter is caused by the sadness of Demeter, goddess of the harvest as she weeps the departure of her daughter, Persephone, who has to spend half a year in the Underworld with her husband, Hades. Maternal love, a concept that dates back even to pre-Christ eras, simply shows the power of the mother and child bond.

And suddenly, all alone and lost in this world, I missed Mum...

Déjà vu

2007-04-27T12:50:00.000+10:00

Once more, that sinking feeling one gets when he is maligned for a wrong committed by someone else has occurred. What can I say? If being the lightning rod (totally innocent aside) can ease pressure for everyone, sigh.. I will.. fill that post..

A fragmentation of the helpless soul? I sit and weep..

The weekend of promise awaits and the lure of sweet sleep plays a soft lullaby in the distant green..

Of British Comedies and Angst

2007-04-16T08:43:00.000+10:00

I have to admit, in the past week, I have fallen hopelessly in love with the BBC series of The Office and Extras. In an nutshell, they are simply... brilliant. Love the sarcasm, love the humour and most of all, absolutely adore the creativity in the scripts. Rather than settling for cheap and crass antics aimed at provoking sympathetic laughs, both series challenge the viewer's ability to delve into the character's lives. More often than not, it is easy to find oneself laughing out of empathy for the ordinary (dysfunctional?) folks as they attempt to find their feet in society.

My advice for starters? Prepare a good brew and breeze through the series. Trust me, you will love it.

Just finished watching the Christmas Special of The Office, which is incidentally the final piece for the whole series. To a large extent, writers Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant concluded many of the sub-plots which have been revolving in the minds of viewers since the first episode. It was pleasing, no doubt, but yet equally sad as tying up the loose ends effectively spelt the absolute end for the production.

Returning to the final episode, I have to rate the union of Dawn and Tim as the highlight of the finale. For a relationship which has seen the permanent separation of the two favourite characters, Dawn's return at the end was highly anticipated but never expected. But still, it was a good touch to end with the fairy-tale ending. What can I say? I confess, I am the fall guy who gets in touch with his anima for soppy tearjerkers.

A song which played towards the end and has ever since been on my player is Back For Good by Take That. Sentimental and vintage, for old time's sake.

Back For Good, Take That

I guess now it's time for me to give up
I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn't good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

And we'll be together, this time is forever
We'll be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood

I guess now it's time, that you came back for good

A soppy love song to rouse emotions as I conclude my post... I do want her back for good but if signs are anything to go by, the empty mailbox reminds me that things are not to be...

Seeking

2007-04-12T15:57:00.000+10:00

Of late, I find myself bogged down by a seemingly endless stream of commitments. Time never seemed so elusive in our diurnal games of hide-and-seek till now. Yes, Time is triumphing and the game could soon be over before it even begins. In turn, my futile searches have only yielded me more grief, more frustration. Watching others around you cruise smoothly while trying to keep up with broken paddles is never a fun position. Revenge and retribution for schadenfreude? I wonder...

And as my wondering thoughts take me to a faraway place, where the daffodils blossom in the evergreen fields beset by snowy mountains, I shall adjourn this space and fulfil my date with Time.

Overload, Overkill

2007-04-02T09:09:00.000+10:00

It is probably about time to say that I have finally settled down into my new environment. For those who have been puzzled by my prolonged absence in communication, yes, I have perhaps taken on more than I can manage and paid a heavy price. Thank you for not striking me out and labelling me as persona non grata, thank you.

Looking at the daunting amount of work in front of the desk is always hard, especially if your mind seems to be a million miles away, especially if your heart lies a million miles away... You never know what you lose until you miss it, how hackneyed but.. how true. I have often thought of the future but too often, I have been chided for not cherishing the present. Yet, a day spent without you by my side never sounded enticing, no, it never did and it never will.

I was once told, there are two things in life you cannot take back: a missed opportunity and a spoken word. It may come as a shock to you that I often reflect on what I could have done and could have said when we were together but held back in hesitation. Some words, carefully constructed remain deeply embedded within and may never surface. I am sorry...

Why the contrite mood? Perhaps it is a mere response to melancholic Autumn as it gently sweeps across the front yard, bringing with it the foreboding chill of Winter? The myriad of confused thoughts gradually form a vortex and as it unleashes the fury, gradually fragments all that stands in its way...

Back to work, overloaded and overkilled... Must get through this...

Waiting on the world to change

2007-03-23T20:30:00.000+11:00

It has been a while since my last entry and finding time to blog never seemed so hard.. But again, that was in the past, a beautiful forgotten bit of history that resides alone in Memory lane.. Yes, recent times have been nothing short of a challenge and it just seems to get harder with every passing week. Like the aftermath of opening Pandora's Box, Hope seems to be my only consolation in relatively bleak times. Yes, Hope is all I have and perhaps all that I can ask for.

It is frustrating and testing of one's patience, especially when you can never seem to be on top of your priorities. Time and again, there was confusion and change. Time and again and again.

This process is slowly eroding me, robbing me of my emotions and mechanising my thoughts. Uniformity they call it but surely there is still scope for stretching imagination? The defiant 'NO!' sounds in the background..Oh well, at least I tried..

What do I desire? I dare not wish but can only hope, that little bit of space I can still call my own, that little bit of room I can still safely declare as solely mine. Surely, surely that cannot be too hard? You never know...

As John Mayer sang, 'We keep on waiting, waiting, waiting on the world to change'... I will wait on quietly and watch intently for change.. Tough times don't last, but tough people do?

Yet, I was the one who chose the path less travelled and I will remain upbeat on the vindication of my choice. Brutus and Stoicism heed my cry!

'We keep on waiting, waiting, waiting on the world to change'...

The Mending Process

2007-03-03T07:52:00.000+11:00

Picking up pieces from the fall out seems deceptively easy in theory but in truth, the mended cracks always seem so ready to show.. The last four weeks had been nothing short of a test in mental strength and resilience, and I would not be one to admit I passed that test with flying colours. But, as all things, life goes on, albeit painfully..

Being exposed to a new environment this year, or as the common saying goes 'being out of the comfort zone', has proved to be challenging experience. Standards which seemed to serve well in the past have suddenly become obsolete and replaced with heightened (note: very heightened) expectations. It may be early days yet but the future forebodes harrowing times. Ah, the woes of deracination. Bring it on, not?

Anyway, on a brighter side, I have chosen to enter a research programme which has just been introduced into the college. The exact details are yet to be hammered out but the brief outline would be work, work and more work. Not that I am complaining though..

Right, now that work has been mentioned, I should gently withdraw myself from the screen and return to my readings (re:workaholic galore!).. Ciao!

Grief

2007-02-12T18:05:00.000+11:00

Absolutely shattered and distraught by news that a close college friend has passed away.. Staring at the empty ceiling brings forth the ceasless streaming of memories into the mind which evokes so much raw emotions hands tremble to type.. Meant to write more but.. at an utter loss for words..

Farewell Jolene.. A part of you will always be with me..

Serenity

2007-01-30T21:15:00.000+11:00

After an intial bout of tumultuous upheaval in emotions, the time to settle back to the former Zen-like state has arrived. Once more, the feeling of familiarity has returned with the genuine smiles and the warm handshakes exchanged upon reunion. Although the heart still yearns for something faraway, it is content and has begun slowly merging into its surroundings.

Today, overwhelmed by a sudden burst of energy and persuaded by an intransigeant group of
athletic mates, I bravely defied the logic that one should not run after a hearty meal (dinner in this case). We started at the foot of the hill and began the arduous journey to the peak with the cool, light summer breeze blowing. The scenery that captivated our eyes as we made our way to the summit was picturesque.

Yet, a bigger reward laid in waiting. The magical moment of the sunset greeted us as we made it to the top. Perfect. What a moment to savour... Some days, you cannot help but think, it is good to be back...

Funny enough, my return has also rekindled a fondness to play music from the era of 1960s-1970s where bands such as The Mamas and Papas and Rooftop Singers have given us ageless classics to soothe and unwind. Well, I am equally clueless about the resurgence of this musical genre in my aural choice but I deem this to the Forrest Gump flashbacks...

Goodbye Seems To Be The Hardest Word...

2007-01-26T19:24:00.000+11:00

2 more hours and the shores of a distant land will be 7 hours closer.. Overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions.. Family and friends, your presence will be missed and it will be missed badly. Thank you for the magical moments in this past month.

Here is an excerpt from John Denver's 'Leaving On a Jet Plane'..

There's so many times
I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back,
I'll bring your wedding ring

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when
I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Well, absence does makes the heart grow fonder..

The Folly of Lethargy

2007-01-16T04:20:00.000+11:00

The idea of a perfect holiday is one filled with lots of basking on the sandy beach with a good read in the right hand, a pina colada on the left hand and warm waves gently washing over your feet...

These days, waking up and seeing the sun is a bonus in itself due to the relentless downpour that has gripped the region. Oh well, bubble burst..

Just realised that I have been rather lazy in my blog output as decadence can sometimes afflict you in its most silent and undetected state that realisation of your condition only strikes you by viewing the devoutness of fellow bloggers. Perhaps its an awakening? An evil voice in my head whispers sweet nothings to sway me away..

Anyway, through my days of cultivating and perfecting the skill of being a couch potato, I have been reminiscing the days since I left school (re: 4 years and counting). Pictures, photo albums, letters, postcards, notes and even gifts all bring forth a gushing flood of memories to the heady days of youth where anything is possible, without a care in the world. Stumbled across this song while reviewing my music collection and its been on the player ever since.

Someday, Someday, Thirsty Merc

So we've already established the fact that
things are gonna be different in the future baby.
And you've reiterated the fact that you don't want
to get into something that's just gonna have to end later.
Now I know our lives are changing and
I've seen it coming for a while too, don't get me wrong.
And I've been going outta town baby
it's gonna happen more, we gotta be strong but now

While I'm gone
Just be a fly on the wall
You know
I'm thinking about you

Just wait and see
You gotta hear what I say
I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

I know you gotta go to university and
I'm just trying to make some cash to follow my dreams.
But please don't say we're too busy to give each other the time
and support we need
I know we gotta work our jobs and make some money to get
by in this expensive world.
Don't let that overtake the fact that before all that,
you were still my girl.

While I'm gone
Just be a fly on the wall
You know
I'm thinking about you

Just wait and see
You gotta hear what I say
I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
Look towards the sky babe
Someday, Someday
There's no need to cry babe
I know that you're always what I want babe
I will be the one babe
Someday, I will be the one babe
Someday, I just need you here with me

Why, you ask? Maybe, someday, I will let you know.. For now, its better to be shrouded in secrecy and suffer the folly of lethargy..

And so the story goes...

2007-01-05T03:00:00.000+11:00

Hi everyone, happy 2007! It has certainly been a long time since I last blogged an entry but a break was long overdue so no apologies will be made.. On second thoughts, to placate a rising mob, a nervous yes to a few =P

These few weeks have really been action-packed (to borrow a hackneyed term from Hollywood) with upheavals and travelling. First up was a whirlwind road trip around Queensland visiting friends and reuniting with the beach. I will let the pictures do the work.

Next, was the all-important trip back home. To be honest, I have been eagerly anticipating this homecoming trip for nearly half a year. The feeling of seeing family and friends is so unique and personal that words cannot illustrate its magnitude. Not even nearly, no where close. Perhaps the only phrase that clouds my vision and my thoughts is.. its good to be back, even if its only a short stay..

Needless to say, basking in the adulation of loved ones took a while to get used to but it sunk in pretty quick (this is a rather unabashed admission!).. Had a few lavish dinners and the picture below can be summed up with.. burp?

Well, its getting late here, and owing to the bouts of narcolepsy that seem to lurk silently in the background, I shall sign off hastily for now.. Hope you like the pictures and until next time.

Work in Progress

2006-12-05T07:18:00.000+11:00

Hey all, sorry for the lack of updates due to really busy weeks, will endeavour to pen all my thoughts and experiences down as soon as possible.. *fingers crossed*

Take care for now.. =)

The Impending Crush

2006-10-13T09:29:00.000+10:00

Settling down in my new accomodation has proved to be more challenging that I thought. Faced with effervescent and gangly neighbours who love to have a good laugh with me (yes, me!) as the target, my days now consist of strategic evasions and silent movement around the blocks. Yes, this may sound a tad dramatic but trust me, once you have been crushed by a two hundred and twenty pound alpha male and tossed around like a pancake by a couple of his one-eighty pound minions... the pain sets in fairly quickly.

Saw the dietician that day and was advised that I have to de-caffeinate my favoured 'fluid in-take' (using a technical jargon here) so that my diet can be improved. Well.. I will try but its going to be hard.

On the up side, Summer is soon upon us and it will be really warm once more. Days where I cuddle up next to the heater while reading will soon be over. Oh well, winter is an interesting experience, taken in the right spirit, haha... Right a busy week lies ahead for me with quite a fair bit to achieve, but I did enjoy these couple of days which have been fairly anodyne. Got to go, the impending crush (pun and no pun intended) will soon be upon me once more...

Days without coffee are like days without talking to her. Some days it can be just so hard...

Journeying in a Little Red Car

2006-09-23T22:29:00.000+10:00

The break has arrived, and what a way to kick it off: nearly 6 hours cooped up in a little red car with a few pals touring the city. Exploring bits which we have bypassed daily with barely more than a sideward glance can be rewarding, especially when you stumble upon serene riverside banks. Yes, it will be a good spot for leisure reading and to spend in the company of a loved one. As Mike Wazowski, the well-loved green minature cyclops tended to say, 'think beautiful thoughts', it was exactly the only state one could feel at that moment.

Funny enough, it was also a day full of double-entendres in speech and banter. Not a minute passed without us making a pass at the other, all with the intention to provoke but in a benign manner of course. Oh well, blokes will remain blokes I guess...

In a couple of days, a few of my contemporaries will be flying to London in pursue of their tertiary studies. While I will bemoan their absence when I return home, I cannot but feel happy for them knowing that they are about to realise their own dreams and ambitions. Abroad, there are days of loneliness but it is the determination of the individual to persevere on that tips the scale. To my departing friends, I wish thee fair winds and following seas. Till we meet again~

Pausing

2006-09-16T22:08:00.000+10:00

Pausing to take a breather after a week loaden with work and about to plunge straight into another one of the same mould. Finding time for rest becomes increasingly hard as the relentless wave of activities threaten to overwhelm me. Yet, in a queer manner, I think that whatever minor tribulations I claim to be undergoing cannot be compared to the ones that lie waiting, in the future...

Yes, the coming week would be heavy on physical exertions and reading. Just realised that I have indeed been rather aloof from the people I cherish the most in recent times. Anymore time lost, bridges carefully constructed could be razed down by the unfeeling axle of time which rolls on untrammeled. It takes effort but what is a few minutes compared to a lifetime? I cannot afford to botch up on this...no...

Moving, moving, gone...

2006-09-07T21:39:00.000+10:00

So shaken as we are, so wan with care, Find we a time for frighted peace to pant

King Henry IV

Trouble has this habit of hunting you down when you least expect it. This past week has been nothing short of an apocalypse in the making, with numerous unforeseen hiccups adding to the unfortunate series of events. The roulette has once more spun an unkind hand for us. A test of strength? We can only hold our breaths and wait in vexed anticipation.

After endless weeks of deliberations, the decision has finally been made. We will be shifting. The need to adapt to new neighbours, new surroundings may be daunting but it should be a kind draw judging by the situation. I should be alright, fingers crossed. Cold laughter.

Once more, a slight yearn for the warm shores of a faraway home arises. Although the burdens of recent times have weighed me down considerably, home still features heavily on my fragile mind. Perhaps this nostalgic reminiscence has been sparked off by a recent visit to the site of a close friend's 21st birthday. Looking at those pictures heavily peppered with smiles, grins, gleaming faces aroused a certain angst. It hurts to know you were absent in the most important period of your friend's life. It really does. A blighted existence sustained only by an ephemeral hope of the distant future?

Busy Days and Nights

2006-09-01T10:19:00.000+10:00

Living life by the coffee tin, despair as it runs low, hope lost as it runs out... Once more, the monthly crimping exercise in caffeine intake has begun. The signal sent out by the brain department to the rest that a period of reduced rations of coffee is greeted by dismay. Yet, the din generated by consternation falls on deaf ears while the protests of the drooping eyelids are quelled by hardened determination. Make no mistake, busy days and nights are intertwined with coffee.

Of late (no pun intended here), the daunting avalanche of work preoccupies my mind. The end of each day is nervously ticked off the calendar and an estimation of the remaining days to the deadline is calculated. The impending crush awaits, more must be done. Yet, events beyond my control has erupted ceaselessly. First of all, the need to move my accomodation due to renovations. Next, unexpected presentations which require me to speak. Lastly, the sad break-up of a group whose company I have come to enjoy. In this life, change is the only constant. How apt.

Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

I am tired. I seek rest. Sleep? Wouldn't it be nice?

Bogged Down

2006-08-23T16:08:00.000+10:00

Have been having a bad run with injuries and illness of late. Firstly, a bruised knee from soccer, then a bloodied nose from general unwell-ness and finally, a nick on the side of my eye socket from basketball.. Ouch?________________________________________________________________

It hurts when you feel age catching up with you. Where you were once sprightly and raring to have a go at gym, now you know an afternoon nap seems more enticing and practical. And imagine if you live in the midst of eighteen and nineteen year olds who seem to consume Energizer batteries instead of food, you know you are in trouble. Sports used to be fun when you have boundless energy and sprinting up and down the courts accounted to no more than a few slight pants quickly shaken off. However, sports is no longer fun when you have to keep playing the chasing game and avoid getting outpaced by that ebullient 1.85m opponent. Its worse when you whinge to your team mate and get such a reply:

Me: Hmm, I had a pretty rough time today. All these people are so big and quick.
Team Mate: C’mon mate, you will be alright. Don’t be so soft!
Me: Well, I nearly got taken out by that big fellow.
Team Mate: Toughen up!
Me: ………

Ouch… The cheerful countenance and blissful insouciance of your team mate just seemed to rub that more salt into the fresh wounds… To be fair, even David faced Goliath at a distance.. Table tennis anyone?
_________________________________________________________________

The playing of the Guys and Dolls DVD in the background (a mate of mine got it off eBay) has got a tune stuck in my mind…

‘Follow the fold and stray no more
Stray no more, stray no more.
Put down the bottle and we'll say no more
Follow, follow, the fold’

Opportunity

2006-08-12T10:11:00.000+10:00

I went to watch a production last night, entitled 'Guys and Dolls'. This was a muscial which based itself on the 1960-70s New York scene and revolved around the lives of gamblers, cabaret singers and missionaries. Through this unlikely combination, the central theme of love is explored and developed. It was an enjoyable evening and the efforts of the performers were definitely appreciated judging by the thunderous applause.

The musical left me thinking, is it true that any kind of 'guy' or 'doll' (slang for a female) can fall in love just as long as Cupid decrees? For the curious, in the musical, the hardened gambler Sky chose to renounce his former ways because he fell in love with the missionary Sarah. Is the lure of love that great? Perhaps it is, or is it Sky realised it was an opportunity to lead a purposeful life rather than one marred by violence and vice?

Opportunity - a mystical being that presents itself in the most surrepitious manner and under the most unexpected circumstances. Am I like Sky, waiting to perceive the presence of Opportunity or am I like Nathan (In the musical, Nathan was another hardened gambler who spurned numerous proposals by his fiancée to get married), who shunned his Opportunity while it was present all the time?

I choose to believe I am Sky. I hope that I am right.

=========================================================

In my drowsy, with eyes barely opened state, I was awoken by a song on the radio. Perhaps I was still in an ethereal world, but yet the song seemed to arouse a raphsody within me. Lament not it tells me, carpe diem!

Opportunity, Pete Murray

And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kid yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not too far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Snow Bound.. Once Again

2006-08-05T01:18:00.000+10:00

The saying,'[l]ightning does not strike twice', seems to hold little weight for me as just barely two weeks after I bade a teary farewell to the Alps, I am going back again. It is a little different this time as the emphasis would not be on skiing. Rather, it would be on a team builidng and bonding activity of sorts. This has left me in a limbo as on one hand, I rejoice at the chance to reunite with snow, on the other, the conscientious side of me bemoans the loss of a free Sunday. Indeed, it is a queer amalgamation of emotions. Oh well, in this life, you cannot win all the time..or can you?

Of late, I have been embroiled in a struggle to revive my former spartan and rigorous lifestyle in order to salvage a session seemingly marked by ill-discipline. By ill-discipline, I am of course referring to the lighter depravities in life, namely computer games and hours after hours of idling. What I badly lack now is temperance and an iron will to ward off these excesses, these contagious and addictive excesses. A smirk, a nonchalant smirk forms slowly on the face of Temptation.

This past week has seen a more pleasing effort in attempting to catch up on the books I have set myself to finish soon; albeit my recalcitrant and lazy mind did succeed in forcing me to succumb to the lure of the egregious Temptation. Yet, all is not lost and I promise thee the fight will go on, even harder, to end the days I remain palpable to your influence.

Indeed, it has been a long day and I shall end this post on a portentous quote..

'Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil' ~ (Matthew 6:13 KJV)

Have a good weekend ahead.

Lest We Forget

2006-07-30T11:57:00.000+10:00

Been reading quite a bit of war literature these past few days, where the incessant suffering of the soldiers 'entrenched' (no pun intended) in their trenches elucicated that war was not a mere word that conjures images of fighting men and machinery. It is in fact much more and every soldier can lay a claim to feeling its crippling effects from the suffering and starvation to the loss of family and fraternal ties. One can count himself fortunate to be born in an era where Peace has blessed us and Ambition has sought not to make a travesty of peace. Yet, what a loss for Mankind that young soldiers standing on the brink of entering adulthood should have their lives so mercilessly ended by the stray bullet from a direction-less rattling machine gun or the odd shrapnel from the nearby artillery shower.

Lest we forget.

In war, an incomprehensible sense of camaraderie forms between the two opposed armies and it is true only the enemy can experience the same grief and loss. No single episode displays this more clearly than the Christmas of 1914 where the troops from both sides crossed their lines and met in No Man's Land, exchanging uniforms and photos in observance of the true Christmas spirit. Karl von Clausewitz famously once said, 'War is the continuation of policy by other means'. Yet, for the men who gave up their lives serving this policy, surely it has been too heavy a price to pay?

Lest we forget.

A oft-neglected group of people in stories about war are the pining mothers awaiting their sons' return from the frontline. In 'All Quiet on the Western Front', Remarque tells of the hero's mother during the hero's two week break from the frontline. During his brief return, she willingly whipped up sumptuous after sumptuous meal with what ever little precious foodstuff the family has tediously hoarded over the war years. However, while she was making her son's return comfortable, the hero's mother was also battling the pains from her own debilitating illness. She was fighting her own war and still she had enough in her reserve to care for someone else. Such is the strength and magnitude of her maternal love that pushed her on despite her own sufferings.

Tears invariably formed and rolled off as the story continued.. I shall end this off with a poem by Sassoon..

The Hero, Siegfried Sassoon, 1917

'Jack fell as he'd have wished,' the mother said,
And folded up the letter that she'd read.
'The Colonel writes so nicely.' Something broke
In the tired voice that quivered to a choke.
She half looked up. 'We mothers are so proud
Of our dead soldiers.' Then her face was bowed.

Quietly the Brother Officer went out.
He'd told the poor old dear some gallant lies
That she would nourish all her days, no doubt
For while he coughed and mumbled, her weak eyes
Had shone with gentle triumph, brimmed with joy,
Because he'd been so brave, her glorious boy.

He thought how 'Jack', cold-footed, useless swine,
Had panicked down the trench that night the mine
Went up at Wicked Corner; how he'd tried
To get sent home, and how, at last, he died,
Blown to small bits. And no one seemed to care
Except that lonely woman with white hair.

Lest we forget.

On Skiing

2006-07-23T10:07:00.000+10:00

I have been away this past week, firstly on a visit to Sydney and spending the mid course of the week skiing.

Having been completely uninitiated into the sport of skiing, I took the plunge into the unknown abyss, hoping that I could possibly be the next Big Thing in the Australian Alps. Well, for the record, I did manage to take out three skiers on the first day with a display of spectacular falls and crashes. It was embarrassing. Nevertheless, even though the effects of a turgid nose were beginning to bog me down with heavy breathing, the courageous skier in me trudged on. Yet, by mid-day, I was tackling the steeper slopes, swishing past the majority of experienced skiers with deadly (pun intended) speed before the inevitable end of an awkward fall. Perhaps what I was lacking in skill was more than compensated by an abundance of temerity.

Surprisingly, Day Two and Three really went past in a flash (not in the falling manner) as I gradually mastered the art of balance. Imagine the exhilaration when you reach the bottom of the slope intact and upright instead of having snow spewing out from all your pockets. I was now able to appreciate the milieu of the Alps in full flow when coming down the slopes rather than a furtive glance every few seconds before greeting the ground. The trip nearly ended on a sour note as we missed our coach on the last day but alas, I managed to bump into a few mates who took us down the mountains. All's well that ends well albeit the few heart stopping moments that left us mortified at the sight of the coach leaving, without us onboard.

================================================

I read a very meaningful statement recently. It went like, 'Writing has always been a form of catharsis for me'. This left me rapt in thought for a long while. One conclusion: I should write more?

Thoughts, ideas, confusion...

A Strange Night

2006-07-11T11:33:00.000+10:00

A night of relevations and mysteries unveiled, a night of confessions and even painful discoveries. Such was yesterday night. Had to get up early but could not go to bed early due to the frequent late afternoon sleep-ins after the inconvenient hours of the WC games. In my daze and frustrations to get some sleep, I composed a poem entitled 'Perhaps She Never Knew'. A dilettantish effort at poetry after a long lay-off.

Perhaps She Never Knew

Perhaps She never knew,
That the quiet and unassuming boy,
So fond of her,
Could not quite find his courage to tell her.

Perhaps She never knew,
That on the long summer days spent together,
Time stood still for him,
Yet at that moment it all seemed the same to her.

Perhaps She never knew,
That his always obliging schedule,
Was because he worked the graveyard shifts,
For the sake of seeing her.

Perhaps She never knew,
That with every voyage he returns from the treacherous seas,
All he yearns to see,
Was the endearing smile upon her pristine lips.

Peharps She now knew,
That the boy who once pined for her affections,
Now laid heart-broken and in tatters,
A fragile piece of tapestry torn beyond recognition.

If only She knew.

Placidness

2006-07-05T23:33:00.000+10:00

Unwinding for the past few days has been a rejuvenating experience.. Ethereal?

A seaman once told me that navigating through a mirror sea during the first leg of an expedition meant a tumultuous sea on the return leg. Well, I suppose Nature has a way of tuning her own balancing act for each and everyone. Yet, I often wonder, if we can rid the burdens of expectations upon ourselves and others, surely it would be a happier world? Returning to my earlier allegory, would it not be for the best if the mirror sea remained as it is, flooding and ebbing but never ceasing?

But in seeking a life of placidness, we do give up certain privileges such as our will power and self improvement. While saying that, a saying from young instantly props into my mind. It goes, 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop'. Sure enough, a timely and stinging reprimand that maybe we do seek that little patch of rough waters to motivate ourselves to go an extra nautical mile. I quote William Shedd, 'A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for'.

Upon a second reading of this entry, seems a tad too much of the maritime balderdash?

A Pause, A Thought

2006-06-23T19:36:00.000+10:00

Just thought that I post a poem that a particular mate of mine liked, of which I found to be meaningful as well.

Happy The Man, by John Dryden

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call today his own:
He who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today.

Be fair or foul or rain or shine
The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not Heaven itself upon the past has power,
But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour.

A rather stoic piece that halis self-fortitude and satisfaction, don't you think?

Walking Alone

2006-06-19T10:42:00.000+10:00

Is it a matter of inexhaustible faith that causes inexorable disappointment? Or vice versa? Strange pondering that stifle my thoughts...

Defeat is such a painful word which seems to pervade one's world without the slightest notice. We admire the achievements of others and despise our own weaknesses. Such is the order of the day that slowly becomes an irreversable trend. On and on it rolls, gathering pace, relentlessly.

Walking past each other, a perfunctory greeting. Nothing more. Will this return to normal? Probably not. Maybe there was never a normal...

Currently reading Monkey Grip by Helen Garner, who I consider a writer par excellence. She possesses the skill of weaving the literature into your mind and wraps you around the tapestry of her art. Wow.. Brilliant.

Perhaps

2006-06-12T22:29:00.000+10:00

Gasping for a breath of hope in a better tomorrow. Looking for that one missing piece to complete one of the many incomplete puzzles in our lifes. Perhaps it is far too easy for one to be engulfed by the many ailments existing around us to notice that single spot of sunshine shining through.

A vivid moment sticks out in my mind. A friend of mine once remarked, 'there are many ships around us, friendship, leadership, and even comradeship'... In her cheerful tone, she did remind me that the most important 'ship' of all was perhaps 'relationship' ...It sunk in...What a wondrous word that yet possesses such distant beckoning..

Went for a bit of retail therapy today and bought a pair of new shoes. I guess, sometimes purchase power is the power that we can all enjoy at will, but definitely not in excess. The virtues of thrift must be matched by the discipline of abstinence.

To be honest, that moment of spending did replay itself happily in my mind a couple of times. Perhaps, its a sign? Then again, perhaps not!

Belonging

2006-06-12T01:55:00.000+10:00

'Got to ask yourself the question, Where are you now?'..listening to James Blunt 'Wise Men' on the radio..A little voice within me whimpers and sighs..

For some reason, this simple question kept resonating in my head. Living in a foreign land so faraway from home, one cannot help but be struck down by homesickness at set intervals. Wise men (no pun intended on song) have constantly reminded me that only with the ability to overcome homesickness can I successfully assimilate into mine surroundings. Or is it?

I beg to differ. Perhaps there has been too much upheaval? Or maybe its just a clandestine longing for stability that causes such nostalgic reactions.. My guess is as good as yours..

'Got to ask yourself this question, Where are you now?'...It rings on...

Self-Searching

2006-06-10T15:08:00.000+10:00

I would love to dwell in an ethereal place, a place of wondrous marvels and beyond celestial spheres.. A place I can truly call my own..

But whether I can find this place remains the greater question.. From young, we often have wandering thoughts of Utopia, this mysterious paradise that [we suppose] awaits us when we get older. Perhaps, we are motivated by the perception that we can finally break free from the endless rules and boundaries that enclose us. Yet, having finally broken free of them, are we really happier and one step closer to Utopia?

I would like to think so, maybe all the difficulties we face during our growing up phase had been mere tribulations to prove our eligibility to Utopia. Not necessarily true.. The depressing, dampening effect of doomsayers never ceases to haunt me. Their endless ability to perceive outcomes as an inevitable result confounds me and consigns me to a mood of dejection. Break free? No.. Join us! Have I succumbed to their pressure? In a life abound with questions, where truth is often too ephemeral to be seen as the Truth, I might have crumbled too easily, too often.

Yet, the search for Utopia is continuous, and more often than not, it seeks its own occupants rather than its occupants seeking it. I liken the search to a journey without an aim in sight, a mission without a proposed outcome, a piece of literature without a proper conclusion. With all that in mind, would you dare to venture?

The Sour Taste of Confusion

2006-06-08T20:53:00.000+10:00

I am confused. My daily life revolves around a routine which I have come to treasure but the spartan lifestyle I enjoy leading is constantly undermined by a steady flow of criticism. It is easy to say that one should stick to one's beliefs but when you are in my shoes, life is simply not a bed of roses.

Yield not to temptation..

Why do I have conflicting thoughts within me? Is it because I cannot face up to reality? Is it because I cannot move on from my unhappy setbacks?

I was told today that I enjoy vicarious thrills through the experiences of others. Well, some may argue that such an act is delusion while others may chide its passiveness. I choose to believe neither. I choose to call it individualism.

On a happier note, today was a good day. Sometimes, we tend to neglect people as we continue on with our lives but it is always nice to come back at the end of the day to experience the warmth of friendship and the intimate sharing of mateship. Today was such a day.

Sitting back in my comfy chair, penning my thoughts, enjoying a warm mug of coffee and reflecting on a life pervaded by incongruence..

Sheer Indulgence..

Why...?

2006-06-07T14:33:00.000+10:00

One who holds on too much to possession will inevitably be hurt.

Such is the conclusion I have come up with regarding my current state of inanition. It is not easy to let go when you attach so much emotion and thought to it.. such is the foolish devotion that one can recognise but cannot withdraw. Too much of something may not be a good thing.. cliched but all so true

A surreal world is perhaps an escape or a refuge for the confused. Indulgence! One may accusingly point a finger at you and expect you to react.. No.. Fortitude and resilience guide me..

Oh mine.. the radio is playing some good music today, perhaps it heard my cry for some healing and a need for soothing? The wonders of music on a dejected soul cannot be understated.

Reading a sci-fi novel, something I have not done since.. I can't remember.. a while ago? I am unsure of the impact it could have on me. Fading nervous laughter..

A Fresh Start

2006-06-06T23:22:00.000+10:00

Didn't really have a good day, so I guess blogging could be a better alternative than just shutting it all up. It took a bit of courage to overcome my natural inhibition before starting this blog. But since I have managed to take the first step, I guess things should be easier from now on. Probably the most interesting thing to happen today was rushing to watch the movie 'X-Men 3', which was good fun especially if you consider we have fifteen minutes to rush to a cinema miles away. Nice way to end off a day of regrets and frustrations I guess.